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Damn Delicious: Ina’s Lemon Cake, plus a sweet sixteen birthday for Ian

May 30, 2020

Ian turned 16 this week. I’ve known this young man since he was six. He is growing into an adult before our eyes. Every time I see him he is at least an inch taller.

What a weird dichotomy to celebrate the life of a wonderful young man amidst the passing of George Floyd. The world is unsafe for Ian and for Keith and for Keith Junior. I hold my breath every time they leave the house, praying for their safe return, wishing I could be with them everywhere they go to literally protect them from danger.

I can’t actually change the world, but I can continue to show up and do my best. This week, we saw again just how much needs to change. We all did. There is a deep well of sadness in the air, but we have to keep pushing forward and reaching for the life we dream of that is free of racism and safe for EVERYONE. Black lives matter so much. Ian’s life matters.

This week, I texted and called and advocated and I also baked a cake.

I got to celebrate a wonderful young man turning sixteen. I called the birthday boy and asked him what kind of cake he wanted just like I do every year. For the past few years, he’s wanted an ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. This year, he requested a lemon cake.

What sixteen year old wants lemon cake?

I don’t particularly like lemon cake, but I’d do anything for Ian so I started researching lemon cakes online. Ina won, of course. Her cake is a beast. You have to zest eight lemons. She perplexingly calls for extra large eggs in her baking, which I don’t understand.

Why not regular eggs?

The lemon cake recipe makes enough for two loaf cakes. Cake by the pound. I made one loaf and a dozen cupcakes. You have to make the cake and then a simple lemon syrup to pour over it while it’s still warm and then top it off with a lemon confectioner sugar icing before serving.

It’s a lot of steps. Oh, and did I mention that Oakland had a heat wave this week and I made this cake in my 90 degree kitchen? I was sweating from the heat and from baking something that is a bit outside of my baking comfort zone.

But, when Ian was here and we got to celebrate his life, it felt so worth it. Keith made his famous fried chicken and the boys hung out and explored our new neighborhood. We sang happy birthday to him and there was real, true joy as we dug into our lemon cake together. I hope he knows how loved he is and how much we want him to be safe and happy always.

Happy birthday to Ian. Let’s continue to fight for a better world for him and for our youngsters.

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You’re doing amazing, sweetie

April 2, 2020

I had my first shelter-in-place related breakdown this afternoon. There were tears in my bathrobe in the middle of my kitchen and this desperate sense that I’m failing at life and that my dreams are never going to come true and that I’m selfish for even thinking about my dreams when so many people are scared and dying. I said words to Keith that I wish I could take back and I said words to myself that I wish I could take back, too. I realize now that I’m just scared and I’m letting my brain run wild with its familiar ego patterns to bring me down and make me feel like crap.

But, here we are.

We’re just here. Completely imperfect, but doing the best we can.

There’s no guidebook for how to be or feel during a pandemic, no ‘right’ way to be at this time even though the world will have us feeling like we need to be reorganizing our pantries or creating our best work or doing yoga in our living room in pursuit of ‘maximizing’ our time at home.

Who gives a shit, really?

It’s scary how easy it is to forget that this moment is a miracle and that it’s okay to just BE right now. We don’t owe anything to anyone and no one gets to tell us how to feel or what to do.

And, it’s a win if we just manage to make it through yet another day, even if making through is messy as hell and we have a breakdown and let the fear win for a bit. It’s okay to release the being and doing and having for a bit. It’s okay to put even the bigger goals like being a writer or paying off debt on hold, maybe just for the day or the week or the month.

It’s okay.

Actually, it’s more than okay.

If you’re making it through the muck right now, I want to tell you that I’m proud of you. If you’re surviving another day of this insanity, you’re doing great. If you’re filling the hours somehow, whether through procrastibaking or several personal meltdowns, but still managing to get through a full day that will allow you to sleep off the pain and try again tomorrow, you are winning.

Like our beloved matriarch Kris, who praised and supported her daughter Kim as she was posing for Playboy Magazine said with the most sincere mother’s love:

You’re doing amazing, sweetie. You really, really are.

via GIPHY

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Fear not Required

March 15, 2020

I’m writing this post for me. As a reminder.

A listener named Nick called in to the A New Earth podcast with a question for Ekhart Tolle and Oprah, asking how to live in the present moment when he has to worry about paying his bills. Tolle responded: you don’t have to worry about paying your bills. You just have to pay them.

Handling your business doesn’t presuppose that you must worry. The emotion of worry isn’t necessary or productive.

I keep remembering this every day right now.

People are collectively losing their shit over the coronavirus. Stockpiling toilet paper and clearing the shelves in Costco. You can see the fear on their faces, sheer desperation to control a situation that feels impossible. To keep their loved ones safe.

It’s easy to leave the news on an ever-present loop on our televisions. To let the fear sink into our bones.

But, fear isn’t required to combat this virus.

Preparation, yes. Responsible citizenship, yes. Social distancing, yes. Following the guidelines you can follow, yes.

Fear, no.

Moments like this remind us of our collective humanity, our ultimate vulnerability. We could die at any moment, wiped out because of a virus we can’t see. Living and then gone.

But, let’s remember that death is inevitable for all of us. It’s the tie that binds us to one another. No amount of stockpiling toilet paper or stealing the last flat of chicken at Costco from our neighbor will change that eventuality. Whether it comes tomorrow or in seventy years. It’s just a matter of time.

So, I’m resolving again and again to not only live in the now, but to rejoice in it. To do my part as a citizen to the best of my ability and then to throw up my hands in surrender. To find ways to be thankful for this quiet time and for the people I love, for the life I get to live and the journey I get to take on this planet.

We have to prepare, but we don’t have to be afraid. That’s the control we do have. Let’s exercise it.

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