Only commuters will understand how important it is to properly do the Sunday Wind Up, especially after what I’d consider to be the perfect weekend. I slept in, got acupuncture, drank a bloody mary, shopped from a perfectly curated local sale, walked the dogs, went to the mall, went to the oldest boy’s hockey game, subscribed to the New York Times (finally!) and went on a glut of reading every Modern Love article I could get my eyes on. I also took a late-afternoon Sunday nap.
It was perfect.
Now, I find myself doing the Sunday Wind Up. I’m staring down at three hours on the road nearly every day this week save the one night I might spend at my sister’s sleeping on a futon. It’s impossibly far and I’m at my breaking point with it.
It seems impossible, so I’m trying my best to make it feel possible.
I can do it! I ask myself what do I have to look forward to this week to get me through? I learned today that there’s a Modern Love podcast, so I’ll definitely listen to that on my drive. I bought some frozen hash browns that are damn delicious, so I’ll heat those up in the mornings. I have a training during the week, maybe that will be worthwhile.
If nothing else, it’s just twelve hours of driving, 648 miles of torture until I get to work from home on Friday and then begin a new perfect weekend again.
That reminds me, what should I do next weekend?
We up and moved. Hightailed it out of Modesto and followed our dreams. We live in Oakland now and we’re over-the-moon excited about the new life we’re building together. We can see the future and it looks so bright. We make big sacrifices for this new life every single day. I drive three hours round trip every day to get to work, Keith drives two hours, we work different schedules so we only see each other on the weekend, we pay an exorbitant amount of rent each month, we no longer have a yard so we walk rounds and rounds in the neighborhood so the pups can do their business.
Even still. Even still, we’re so much happier than we were in our old lives in Modesto.
I wish I could go back five years and shake myself so hard, reprimand myself for hiding in fear of trying something new. I wish I could go back and force myself to listen to my gut that was leading me here. I wouldn’t have lost so much time. I know the years I spent in Modesto taught me many things, but god I wish I could get that time back. Seven whole years of psyching myself up every day to be happy. I get a pit in my stomach when I go back to that place, so I’m not going to go there right now and upset myself again.
I try not to be preachy in this space, but please, please learn from my mistake and the years I squandered talking myself into something that I knew beyond a shadow of doubt wasn’t right for me. Life is so, so short. Your gut talks to you for a specific reason. Please listen. You’re the only person who knows what’s right for you and you’re the only one who can make it happen for yourself. When you read these words, your gut is probably talking to you and whispering a reminder of what your own heart wants. Follow it. Make it happen. It’s the most beautiful thing to feel your own soul in alignment. It’s priceless and worth every sacrifice.
Now that we’re here, my heart is reminding me of this space and the dreams I have to pursue my writing and a creative life. So, I’m listening and showing up.
Here I am. Let’s make it happen.