I’m writing again. I set out to write in this blog twice a day, five days a week for an entire month. I promised myself that I would pre-schedule the posts the Sunday before so that I would keep my commitment.
This is my last pre-written post of this week. Half way through a promise to myself. 20 posts total already. I’m so proud of myself.
It feels so good to be writing again. I feel a palpable energy flowing through my body that I haven’t felt in a long time. I love it.
And yet, it’s hard.
So hard.
I was supposed to be writing this final post as a ‘gift guide for teenagers’. That’s what my calendar said I needed to write about.
I could do it. I could bang out that post right now, but I’m just not feeling it. I’m feeling uncomfortable writing about so much ‘stuff’ in this space. I like stuff, sure. But I know stuff is just one little tiny aspect of me and, even though I want this space to make money, I also want to be proud of it. I feel compelled to share my actual, real life and not just some polished version of my life. That’s a lot harder to do than to write fluffy pieces about products I love, but it’s something I feel is really important.
So, what’s real for me right now?
I’m in the midst of a 7 week spiritual course. I don’t know if you believe in all of this spiritual stuff. I’m not even sure I believe in all of it, but I feel my heart seeking and as I seek, I feel myself growing. I know that something is out there and also inside of me, something I feel innately connected to in a really deep way. This week, the course was about abundance. Not money abundance, though that’s part of it. It’s about the abundance we are all born into, this human journey that is filled with more beauty, connection, resources than we could fathom. Abundance is the hardest lesson for me to learn. I have a deep resistance to believing in abundance. I cling to this deep seated belief that there is a small pie for all of us to fight over and that I am going to have to work harder than anyone else to get even a sliver of it. In fact, that’s how I’d describe my life. Hard work after hard work after hard work. I’m so, so tired. I see the things I want and they seem impossible. I see the things I have and it feels exhausting just to maintain them. To the right of my computer, I have a To Do list that I wrote up to accomplish today. It has 20 items on it. I’ve been working for hours and I’ve managed to check off 7 of them. The rest just stare back at me and I continue to slog along.
One of the things I needed to do today was take an abundance walk. It’s part of the spiritual course. It was just 15 minutes. The call was to bless everything you saw whether you felt it or not. Dutifully but quite begrudgingly, I took the walk with my dog Jax. Immediately, we saw people with their car broken down on the side of the road and a friendly neighbor helping them out. I blessed them. I saw a crowd outside our favorite liquor store around the corner. I blessed them. A neighbor was deep in the task of popping the amazon packing bubbles and recycling her cardboard on the sidewalk in front of her house. I said hello and I blessed her too, in my head of course. I’m not a total weirdo. The cold, rain-soaked air felt so good on my face. We rounded the corner and I saw the most gorgeous fall leaves on the sidewalk. I blessed them, too. As I walked and I blessed, I felt my spirit lifting.
I felt the abundance in a palpable way.
Before I knew it, I was oohing and aahing over the flowers on the sidewalk and taking pictures. I returned home and I felt so much better. So much more hopeful. I abandoned my ‘gift guide for teenagers’ and decided to share this here instead.
The reason for all my spiritual learning and seeking is my desire for Peace and Freedom. I want to feel free on this earth and I want a deep and abiding peace in my body. I want these things more than probably anything else. My walk today proved to me that they are just out there, abundantly waiting for me to grab them. Freedom doesn’t have to come in the form I think it should (being a full-time blogger) and Peace doesn’t either. Perhaps that’s the true meaning of abundance.
What is abundance for you?
