Here we are! Day 3 posting and it already feels like things are spinning out of control for me, not to be dramatic or anything.
Trying to balance my life and my writing is the central struggle in the internal drama of my life. It’s where my plot rests. My emotions spin around this axis of wanting to write more than anything, but not actually writing a whole lot. And then I tumble on the guilt and shame around the fact that I don’t write and then I undertake a crazy challenge like this one to write 30 days straight and I feel so hopeful and optimistic and then the reality of the fact that my life isn’t built to house the rest, creative reflection and pockets of time I think I need to do good work. So I fail at my challenge and I lose faith and belief in myself and the promises I make to pursue my dreams.
And so the cycle continues on and on…
Until now.
Because now that I see the cycle for what it is, I can make a conscious decision to step off of this hamster wheel and onto a different track. My life isn’t designed for writing at this time, but I am the one in control and I can make the tradeoffs I need to make in order to accommodate this dream and goal of mine. I’m committed to shedding this victim mentality where life happens to me, not because of me. I will say it again: I’m in control. I make the calls.
So, the question is going to become: how do I make the time for this challenge, now and evermore? What needs to change in the makeup of my days to accommodate this dream? Because, I’ve decided that it’s no longer possible for me to simply forgo writing so that I can rise to all of the other demands on my time. I’ve done that for too many years and I’m sick of waiting for the time to make my dreams happen.
I don’t have the answer today, but I am sure I will figure it out. I can figure anything out.
I didn’t invent this challenge to spend 30 days agonizing over writing and I definitely didn’t come here today to wax poetic about my victim mentality.
I actually came here to tell you about the floral mandala I made yesterday morning….
My friend and teacher Nicola had posted on Instagram about making a mandala just because. Sometimes we get caught up in the ritual of things and think we need to wait until a special occasion to make something beautiful, but why not just make something beautiful simply because you can? Why not take your flowers that are heading for the compost bin and rebuild them into an alter where you simply give thanks for the chance to be alive?
I love the sentiment and I loved the chance to do just that yesterday morning.
This simple act set the tone for the most wonderful day. I didn’t do anything too crazy, but it was just perfect. I worked out, wrote, made things, did house projects and took myself on a date for the most delicious eggplant parmesan and a trip to Target to prep for our vacation coming up this weekend.
I hope you can find the time today to take a moment to make something beautiful just to celebrate the fact that you’re alive. It made such a huge difference for me yesterday.
Love you all!
