deep thoughts

On contentment

September 2, 2014

A few months ago, I finished nearly two years of reading and studying and writing and working on my Masters degree while also working full-time. It was crazy stressful and busy, but it was fulfilling. I loved my job and I loved my school and I think I took a lot of pleasure in the out-of-control way my life was unfolding. It was ridiculous, but it was also exciting.


I finished school in May of this year. When I submitted my final paper, I felt a strange mix of relief and overwhelming sadness. I called my boyfriend Keith a few minutes after I turned in my assignment and proceeded to cry my eyes out. I think my exact words were “I’ll never be able to learn again”. Obviously, I was being a bit melodramatic. There are opportunities to learn all of the time in our lives, but the guided learning I experience when in school is just my absolute favorite thing. To be honest, I am a bit lost without it.

This summer, I’ve felt like the worst version of myself. I am so lost without the constant mental stimulation of school and I spend most of my days oscillating between wanting to go back to pursue my PhD, wanting to work on my writing, wanting to do well at work, wanting to lose weight, wanting, wanting. I’m exhausting myself.

While I’ve been so focused on myself, I’ve lost sight of all of the goodness I am blessed with. I am in a healthy, loving relationship. I’m part of my boyfriend’s children’s lives, I have enough money to pay all of my bills, I have the world’s sweetest dog. I could go on and on.

Today, while observing Labor Day by laboring and piddling around the house, I decided that enough is enough. If time is any indicator, things will work out just perfectly. I hope that I’ll be able to return to school some day, but in the meantime, I just want to stop and smell the roses.

Er, succulents.


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