Yesterday, I was driving home and listening to episode 9 of the A New Earth podcast with Ekhart Tolle and Oprah. I’m listening to it for the second time and it feels like a balm to my soul right now. I think, more than anything, I’m just ready to make major changes in the way I live my life. I have lived all of my life fused with my egoic brain and I am ready to embrace a different way because the tracks I run in my head over and over are limiting and downright painful.
So, Ekhart was talking about inner stillness, rising above your own mental chatter and just being. When he said that, something rang inside of me. I felt my consciousness respond to the idea of inner peace and stillness. Almost immediately, my brain responded with its annoying song about how busy I am and how I never have a moment’s peace because of my responsibilities and my demanding job and on and on. But, I couldn’t let it go. The idea of finding peace and stillness felt incredibly necessary to me at this moment of my life and I resolved to make a way.
I ran through all of the ‘stuff’ in my life that I perceive keeps me away from stillness. At the top of list was time on my phone, especially instagram. I’m not painting social media as the devil. For me, I feel like it does edify my life in so many ways. It expands my thinking of what’s possible and exposes me to all sorts of beauty and connects me with the friends I love so much and allows me to participate in culture, but, for me, right now, it’s just too much.
I am truly addicted to my device.
As I learn more about spirituality, I realize that being present in the now is so critically important. When I’m scrolling endlessly, I am literally unconscious. I lose track of the world around me and I seek out things that reinforce my ego and I’m just not the person I want to be. I’m not the person I need to be.
So, I’m taking a break. My hope is to go social media free for three months.
I’m 24 hours in now. Upon deleting the apps, I immediately felt an internal release. The stillness in my mind was immediate. I felt free.
Since then, I have picked up my phone countless times to get to the apps. Seriously, I scroll through the screens on my phone and click where instagram was even though the app isn’t there anymore, completely unconscious. I also feel uncomfortable inside. Uncomfortable with the stillness. Uncomfortable without the gratification of scrolling, missing feeling like I ‘know’ what is going on in the world, wanting to see if anyone commented on my announcement post for my social media hiatus. How ironic. I’m also feeling my ego stir up real fear in my brain. How will I be good at my job without social media? How can I disconnect like this? Will I lose my friends? Who am I if I’m not the person who ‘knows’ what’s going on in the world, in culture?
But, I expected this feeling. I am prepared for the discomfort. I know that this is not real pain and that I can survive it. I’m curious to see what’s on the other side of it. I hope it’s something beautiful.
How is your relationship with your phone and instagram? Do you feel like you can survive without it? I’m interested to know…
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