Monthly Archives

July 2019

daily diary, deep thoughts

Lift Off

July 14, 2019

jax falling asleep

This morning, when I woke up, I could feel the sadness lifting from me. All week, it felt like someone was following me around and pushing down on my spine at the base of my neck. An omnipresent pressure holding me down that I couldn’t shake. A monkey on my back. I wrote gratitude lists and did things that make me happy like go out to eat or read a book which would make me feel better for a moment, but when it was over I’d be zoning out staring at the wall and feeling worthless.

I hate when the sadness creeps in on me like that. I’m not sure if it’s depression or what it is exactly, but sometimes I feel so hopeless and tired and sick of striving and like I can’t do anything right. It’s the absolute worst because I know in my logical brain that all those dark thoughts are not TRUE, yet it’s like the logical side of my brain can’t get through to the emotional side of my brain and convince it to let go of the pain.

I just push through and wait for the clouds to lift and thankfully, they finally did this morning. I can feel good things again, deeply like I usually do. I just sat and watched my dog sit by me on the floor, resisting falling asleep. For five minutes, his little eyes would close and his head would dip and then he would snap his eyes open and pretend like he was alert. When I’m sad, I don’t notice things like that. I’m glad I saw it today.

At the same time my sadness was lifting, I found out that one of Keith’s friend’s died in a car accident. Keith DJ’d his wedding a few months ago. I was his assistant for the event and was majorly stressed out because his friend and his wife were unorganized and I exhausted myself trying to make their wedding day go according to their hopes and dreams. I resented that night because it was so much work, but now I wish I could go back and do it again with the grace of knowing that their love story was going to be shorter than anyone could imagine.

The theme of my sadness this week was centered around being sick of striving in my life. I’m only 33 but I feel like the perfect analogy to describe my life thus far is pushing a boulder up a steep hill. My default mode is achievement, trying to prove my own worthiness.

But, his friend passing like that, so young is really rocking me. I feel a bit like all of it is futile. We’re all not long for this earth, so why waste it trying to ‘achieve’ when we could create, or spend time in quality connection or do any number of things that don’t feel like pushing a boulder up a hill? I have zero answers to all of these questions, but I want to continue to be vulnerable and feel these things. I am so thankful to be walking in the light again and I hope to bask in the beauty of it and live in a way that honors the fleeting nature of this life I’ve been given.

Have a beautiful Sunday, friends. I hope you do one thing that makes you feel ALIVE. Let’s lift off together, okay?

 

damn delicious, deep thoughts, recipes I've tried and liked

Sad Lasagna

July 12, 2019

sad lasagna 2

Earlier this week, I found out I didn’t get a job I really, really wanted. I might have even used the words ‘dream’ in conjunction with this job, so finding out I didn’t get it devastated me.

Now with a few days distance, I feel embarrassed about how dramatic I was when I received the news. I’ve debated even writing about it, but I want to share the good and the bad as much as I can in this space. I’m not interested in sharing a highlight reel of my life – I really want to use my writing to create real connection with people over the good AND the hard parts of life.

So, I didn’t get the job and I was sad and I found myself in Target. Why does that always seem to happen? A little retail therapy while processing my feelings was welcome. I also got the bright idea to make a super comforting dinner that night. I was aiming to make shells and cheese, but they were out of shell pasta so I opted for lasagna noodles.

I had never made lasagna and wow, oh wow, I was more than pleased with the results and feel compelled to share the technique I used with you. Not that you can’t look up how to make lasagna on your own, but here’s my own little method. I didn’t really use a recipe, just a little of this and that.

I started with the sauce. It’s really all about the sauce, isn’t it?

I like to fancy up a jar of marinara sauce by sauteing an entire onion in olive oil, a little bit of salt, a bunch of garlic powder and any ‘Italian seeming’ herbs I might have in my cupboard. I let the onions get translucent and then dump a bunch of minced garlic in for just a moment. The amount is up to you. I love garlic a whole lot, so I put a couple of spoonfuls in. This step smells the most amazing. After the garlic, I add an entire jar of marinara sauce and sometimes a can of diced tomatoes. I let that cook as low and slow as I can and I taste it throughout, adding a bit more salt, a bit more herbs, and even more garlic if I want. I also like to stir in a spoonful of sugar. It really helps balance out all of the acid in the tomatoes.

While my sauce was ripening, I whipped up the ricotta mixture. An entire container of ricotta, salt, pepper, more italian herbs, an egg, a bit of parmesan cheese. Don’t overthink it. Whip it together until just blended and then let it sit.

Once the sauce is ready, pull out your pan and get to layering. Start with a generous base of sauce, then noodles, then ricotta and even a bit of mozzarella. Layer, layer, layer. For this recipe, I got the noodles that didn’t need to be pre-boiled and I thought they were every bit as delicious as typical lasagna noodles. I went with a smaller 8×8 pan so I could have more layers and I didn’t regret it for a moment. Stack it high and watch it fly. Make sure that you end with a sauce layer on top and then cover with foil and pop in the oven on 375 and wait for the magic to happen. I have convinced myself that I can tell by smell when a food is done. It’s like the weird intuition, but if you’re not blessed in the smell department like me, you want to keep it in the oven for about 50 minutes or so  and then remove the foil and add a generous topping of cheese and allow it to get perfectly melted. I did a mixture of mozzarella and parm – my only regret – as the parm got tough and made it hard to eat. Next time, I’ll do only moz and then add the parm right before eating it.

For me, cooking myself a meal fit for a queen helped distract me and keep me in my worth during a low moment. It wasn’t necessarily about the comfort of food, even though I did find it comforting and nourishing in a way that made me feel better. It was more about telling myself that I am worth it, holding space for my own pleasure and enjoyment, reimagining the story I wanted to tell myself about not being ‘good enough’ just because I got rejected from something that meant a lot to me. I felt reminded that I work so hard so that I can provide for my family and myself, that the job is all about the stability of home and love and that I am lucky enough to have that RIGHT NOW even if I want more.

It is enough. I am enough.

So, I hope you take good care of yourself too, friends. I hope you make Sad Lasagna when you need to and that you remind yourself that you are your own best friend and comfort when you need it.

What is your favorite comfort food?