This morning, when I woke up, I could feel the sadness lifting from me. All week, it felt like someone was following me around and pushing down on my spine at the base of my neck. An omnipresent pressure holding me down that I couldn’t shake. A monkey on my back. I wrote gratitude lists and did things that make me happy like go out to eat or read a book which would make me feel better for a moment, but when it was over I’d be zoning out staring at the wall and feeling worthless.
I hate when the sadness creeps in on me like that. I’m not sure if it’s depression or what it is exactly, but sometimes I feel so hopeless and tired and sick of striving and like I can’t do anything right. It’s the absolute worst because I know in my logical brain that all those dark thoughts are not TRUE, yet it’s like the logical side of my brain can’t get through to the emotional side of my brain and convince it to let go of the pain.
I just push through and wait for the clouds to lift and thankfully, they finally did this morning. I can feel good things again, deeply like I usually do. I just sat and watched my dog sit by me on the floor, resisting falling asleep. For five minutes, his little eyes would close and his head would dip and then he would snap his eyes open and pretend like he was alert. When I’m sad, I don’t notice things like that. I’m glad I saw it today.
At the same time my sadness was lifting, I found out that one of Keith’s friend’s died in a car accident. Keith DJ’d his wedding a few months ago. I was his assistant for the event and was majorly stressed out because his friend and his wife were unorganized and I exhausted myself trying to make their wedding day go according to their hopes and dreams. I resented that night because it was so much work, but now I wish I could go back and do it again with the grace of knowing that their love story was going to be shorter than anyone could imagine.
The theme of my sadness this week was centered around being sick of striving in my life. I’m only 33 but I feel like the perfect analogy to describe my life thus far is pushing a boulder up a steep hill. My default mode is achievement, trying to prove my own worthiness.
But, his friend passing like that, so young is really rocking me. I feel a bit like all of it is futile. We’re all not long for this earth, so why waste it trying to ‘achieve’ when we could create, or spend time in quality connection or do any number of things that don’t feel like pushing a boulder up a hill? I have zero answers to all of these questions, but I want to continue to be vulnerable and feel these things. I am so thankful to be walking in the light again and I hope to bask in the beauty of it and live in a way that honors the fleeting nature of this life I’ve been given.
Have a beautiful Sunday, friends. I hope you do one thing that makes you feel ALIVE. Let’s lift off together, okay?
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