I’m bad with money.
It’s a story that I’ve repeated since I first started earning money.
I’m bad with money, I’m bad with money, I’m bad with money, I’m bad with money.
No wonder I played out a story that confirmed the truth of my words.
As I got older, I added to my little money story.
There’s never enough money. Never, ever enough.
So, I was running around the world repeating in my brain over and over that I’m bad with money and that there’s never enough money and then I wondered why my money situation seemed to stay the same despite the money I earned.
And I tried.
I tried to fix it. I signed up for the budgeting apps, created spreadsheets, made plans for how to change my money situation. I read books and blogs, but I just couldn’t get to the bottom of it. It was a hell in my brain because I was fixated on money and I was constantly trying to change my situation, but I would create a budget and then I would follow it for a few days and then I would blow it and then I would berate myself for not being good enough. Sounds like a diet, right? I was going through the same yo-yo cycle.
Ever heard the statement ‘wherever you go, there you are?’
My money and my food situations prove that how you do anything is how you do everything. Luckily, I saw that I was able to transform my relationship with food and so I believed that I could transform my relationship with money, too. Thankfully, I had some tools in my emotional toolbelt from the work I did around food that I could translate to my money situation. I’m still very much on this journey, but the transformation I feel is so real. I signed up for a course that helped me tear open my silly beliefs around money and rebuild them on a stronger foundation.
Here is what I’m learning:
Transforming my Limiting Beliefs
I started by understanding the foundation of where my limited beliefs came from. I looked into my past to see where they gained power. I started with the idea that there was never enough money. I tried to find the evidence for this, but I couldn’t. It was a lightning bolt when I looked into my past and realized that I was so beautifully taken care of for my entire life, that the logic around never having enough money just didn’t hold water. I’m 33 with a beautiful life in a city that I love, surrounded by physical beauty, people who love me and the two sweetest dogs on this planet. We always have more than enough to eat, clean clothes to wear, the money to pay rent and our bills and even enough extra to go out to eat and go on vacation every once in a while. The scarcity I was creating was only in my mind. Actually, there was more than enough money.
Even in the toughest times of my life, when I had to rebuild my life from scratch out in California after leaving an abusive relationship or when I was laid off my job or when I grew up in a single parent home with three kids, there was actually always enough. There had to be enough because I survived it and lived to tell the tale.
My other limiting belief around being bad with money is currently under construction. I’m rebuilding that story as we speak. I had to acknowledge that I might not have always made the smartest decisions around money in the past, but that didn’t mean that I was bad with money forever and for always. In fact, I could find evidence that I was good with money in lots of ways. I’ve never been late on rent, I always repay my debts. I share whatever money I have with the people that I love. When I said that I was bad with money, I meant that I didn’t save like I think I should. I meant that I liked to spend money on things, even if that meant that I bought those things on credit. I meant that I didn’t save enough for retirement and that I didn’t stick to a budget. I’m only 33, so I have plenty of time to course correct those things I would like to change about myself, but it started with letting go of the belief that I’m bad with money. I can’t build the habits around money that I want to build if I believe at the core of my being that I am bad at it. How can I allow room for change in that space?
Instead of telling myself that I’m bad with money, I tell myself that I am healing my relationship with money. I remind myself of the strides that I am making. I try not to berate myself for my debt; I trust my plan to repay my debt and I trust my intention to make good on my promises to myself. I remember that there is always enough and that my beliefs have the power to transform my own reality. Do you believe this stuff? I do, to the core of my being.
Thanking my Inner Martyr
I had to thank my inner martyr who always likes to poke her head out when the topic of money comes up. I think of her as a little alien in my stomach who rushes to the rescue when she sees I’m trying to change my relationship with money. In any budgeting process, my inner martyr tries to tell me that I only need to spend $25 a week on groceries, that I never need to eat out again, that I should sell a car, that I don’t need to do anything fun or participate in any activity that is discretionary. Do you have an inner martyr, too?
I liken it to when I used to start a new diet. It was always after a more indulgent weekend, where the idea of eating a vegetable actually sounded good to me. From that super satiated place, I would decide to eschew carbs for the rest of my life, to only eat fruit and cottage cheese or something crazy. It sounds good in theory, but it crumbles in reality.
In the same way a diet actually kicks off a chemical reaction in your brain to biologically refeed yourself, a strict budget that requires a complete 180 in lifestyle is probably going to ‘fail’. Maybe there are people out there who find success living the life of a money martyr, but I had to realize that I am not one of those people. My budget is going to fail if it doesn’t plan and account for sustainable shifts in my lifestyle. If I begin small and realistically and grow from a place of excitement in the changes I’m seeing in my life, I believe that I will make the more drastic shifts I am looking for in the long-term.
Paying Attention to the Money Flowing In and Out
Money is neutral. It’s neither good or bad unless you make it one or the other through the power of your mind. I realized that money was negative for me because I was giving it that power by being afraid of it. I tracked the flow of it in and out of my life just enough to ensure that I was paying my bills on time. Beyond that, I actively avoided knowing about my money.
The course I took encouraged me to look at my bank and credit card balances every single day, so I did. I looked every morning right after I meditated. I tried to thank the dollars that were in my accounts and bless them. It’s cheesy, but a shift started happening for me. After a couple of weeks, I wasn’t scared to look anymore.
I started seeing recurring charges and wondering if I really needed them in my life anymore. I started questioning certain expenses, wondering if it was necessary that I pay that full amount or if I could find a way to shop around and get more competitive offers. Grounding myself in the numbers made me curious. For the first time in my life, I wanted to be a good steward of the energy of the money in my life. When a dollar flowed out, I wanted it to flow with intention. When a dollar flowed in, I wanted to believe that I would be faithful to grounding it in positive purpose and energy.
I tried again to create a budget, but I created it intentionally. I recognized that I would be imperfect with it. I released my inner martyr. I started to believe that it was possible for me to be a better steward of the energy of money in my life and I made a promise to myself to be faithful to my dreams.
Creating a Vision for my Money Future
On this money journey, I woke up to a major realization about how I want to live my life. I realized that I was ready to make a major shift. Once I started chipping away at my limiting beliefs around money, I realized how much I crave simplicity and time. I don’t want fancy cars, luxe vacations or expensive clothes right now. I want the time to pursue my writing, to read good books, to sleep in, to take long walks in the woods. I want freedom to pursue a life of creativity and independence more than I want anything else.
So, I am structuring my life and my finances in pursuit of these goals. I am stripping away the nonessential to make way for my purest desires. There are growing pains in releasing the old habits. There is a reckoning to understand the impact of my prior choices and how they impact my current reality. There is a new discipline required to reframe my daily choices in service to my larger goals.
But, friends. It is so worth it.
It is life-changing to be in a whole new place with money. I feel giddy with the possibility, hopeful in a way that I’ve never known.
I now believe:
I am good with money.
There is always enough money.
I look forward to seeing how my relationship with the energy of money continues to shift and grow over time. Would you be interested in me writing about the steps I’m taking along this journey in real time? I’m down to share the specifics if it is of interest to you.
Photo by Lai Man Nung on Unsplash
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