It started innocuously enough. I got a miserable cough/cold. After not feeling better on day eight, I decided to go to the doctor and see what was up. I’ve been meaning to find a new doctor for a while now. I go to one out of pure convenience who is right around the corner from my office, but she is SO bad for me. She body and weight shames me all the time and also scared the living hell out of me last year by referring me to an oncologist after a few weird blood tests. I KNEW I shouldn’t go back to her, but I was desperate and sick and I just did it.
I walked into her office already on edge, already bracing myself to revisit the same shame about my weight that has been placed on me since I was a little girl. When they weighed me (sidenote: why do they need to weigh you if you have a cold!?), I asked to not know because I know that it can trigger me into full-on meltdowns if I see the wrong number on the scale. After all this work to eat intuitively, I still struggle with my body image and the fact that I don’t fit the thin ideal. It’s better for me not to know.
But, as I waited and waited alone in the exam room for her to examine me, my curiosity got the best of me and I glimpsed the paper with my vitals on it and there was the number. Heavier than ever before, even though I have been working out consistently for more than a year now, at least three and usually five times a week. My workouts are pure joy for me. I feel so much more mental clarity and calmness. I feel strong, not just in my body, but in my ability to do hard things that I never believed I could ever do. When I lift heavy weights or do crazy plyometric jumps, I feel a giddiness in the realization that I am such a baddie and that there is literally nothing in this world I cannot do if I set my mind to it.
But, the number. But, my body. It stubbornly refuses to budge. I hold onto this round tummy, my double chin persists. I know it’s because of the PCOS. The hormonal imbalance that causes the thin hair on my head and the thick black hairs on my lip and chin. The big belly, the almost non-existent periods even while on hormonal birth control. The high blood pressure that requires medicine even with all my workouts. It’s not an excuse; it’s a fact. My hormones drive this body of mine and it’s a little out of whack.
So, I had a knee-jerk reaction to that number on the scale. I felt a hot, sticky shame spread all over me. Embarrassment that I have had the cajones to walk around in the world with a modicum of confidence when a number that huge was my body. I went into fix-it mode, throwing my training around intuitive eating and body confidence out the window. I researched PCOS diets, went to the grocery store. Started depriving myself almost immediately. Forcing myself to eat meat, to eschew sugar, to literally be and live smaller. The diet mentality triggered quickly. I know that my brain felt deprived because I found myself eating sub-par chocolate.
I don’t eat chocolate.
I work at an amazing chocolate company but when I am eating intuitively, I never reach for that chocolate even though it surrounds me every single day. It just doesn’t light me up. So, when I was giving myself a little piece of chocolate every night as a reward for being ‘good’ all day, I knew that I was off the path.
It was time to come back to me. To stop the knee-jerk reaction and to be honest with myself. I believe there’s a way to eat in a way that honors my PCOS and its needs without depriving myself. There’s a way for me to come to terms with this body of mine and to even learn to love it. I’ve come so far in my therapy work, but this experience was a wake up call that the work isn’t done and that it’s time to ask for help again. I can’t go back to hating myself. I can’t go back to deprivation. After I press post on this entry, I’m going to email my wonderful therapist and ask for guidance and help. I know she can help me sort through this. Even better, I know that I have the resilience and emotional maturity and growth to do this work and come out even stronger than I feel when I do those jump squats.
Do you struggle with overcoming diet mentality? Any tips and tricks to share?
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