Keith and I leave on Sunday to go down to Cabo and, hopefully, book the venue for our wedding. As you can imagine, weddings have been on the brain a lot lately for me. Perhaps a little too much.
I’m a little in my head about the whole idea of marriage. I love Keith and I am committed to him, but I’ve never really wanted a piece of paper to signify that commitment. I was married once before and it was an altogether un-fun experience in so many ways, from the wedding to the actual marriage. It was short-lived – just a few months of being actively married – but it was one of the hardest and darkest times in my life. As you can probably surmise, I was in an unhealthy relationship. Emotionally and, ultimately, physically abusive. So, I don’t think of the wedding itself fondly. I remember feeling overwhelmed and trying not to cry on the drive over to the venue because of the way he controlled me and made me feel so small. Gah, even thinking back to that day brings tears to my eyes.
So, we’re planning a really long engagement…two years. Which will bring the total time we’ve been dating to about ten years by the time we actually have the wedding. Things are moving pretty slow. I thought the long engagement would be good for me, but it has really just given me a whole lot of time to overthink the whole marriage into the ground. It’s not uncommon for me to cry about it every few weeks. The reasons for my tears are varied. Sometimes I cry over the guilt I feel about deciding to have the wedding in Cabo. Sometimes I obsess over the cost. Other times, I freak out about all the attention being on us. A really fun one is when I obsess over the process of trying to find a dress when I’m overweight, desperate about the expectations put on brides to be perfect and skinny and in the best shape of their lives when I can’t lose weight even if I really try.
What it all boils down to is a deep fear of my own self and my own decision-making. With my last marriage, I willfully chose to enter into a life with someone who was all sorts of wrong for me. I pledged forever to someone that hurt me. That makes me distrustful of my own choices, scared to make another major mistake. I feel like I can’t trust myself and I don’t want to be wrong again. I don’t want to end up a two-time divorcee. But then, I think that another failed marriage is the literal worst case scenario. Maybe we enter into this union and it doesn’t work out for some unfathomable reason. The worst thing happens and we part ways. The only reason that would be terrible is because of the social shame we place upon people with marriages that don’t work out. I can’t imagine anyone who really loves me judging me if we just can’t make it work. So, when I envision the worst outcome, I feel like it’s worth taking the risk.
You’re probably thinking that maybe I shouldn’t get married if I feel this way. Sometimes I agree with you, but then I think about what I’m crying about and it’s never about actually spending my life in a committed relationship with Keith. It’s almost always about the idea of the wedding itself and it almost always stems back to the unhealthy relationship I had more than ten years ago. And so I forge on because I refuse to let the pain of a past experience make me live my life afraid and unwilling to do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable.
So, we’re heading down to Cabo on Sunday. We’re staying at the resort where we plan to have the wedding and I hope it’s perfect. I hope they are welcoming and the food is good and the water is fine and the wedding coordinator is lovely. I want to have something set in stone, a date to work with and plan toward. I want to know the cost so we can start saving. I want to be able to send out a cute Save the Date to my friends and family so they can have a date to work toward.
Speaking of the Save the Date, I have a vision. I want to take a picture with Keith on the beach where we plan to wed. I want us to look fabulous. I have an OUTFIT in the mail. This picture below is the brief. Gabi Fresh is one of my favorite bloggers and this recent photo she posted of herself looking like a goddess on the beach of the Seychelles literally took my breath away. She is so fierce, beautiful and fabulous. I want this energy…
So, wish us luck! I feel so lucky that we get to take a badly-needed vacation to plan our nuptials. I will definitely report back and let you know how it all goes.
How do you feel about marriage? Outdated institution or beautiful commitment?
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