I had my first shelter-in-place related breakdown this afternoon. There were tears in my bathrobe in the middle of my kitchen and this desperate sense that I’m failing at life and that my dreams are never going to come true and that I’m selfish for even thinking about my dreams when so many people are scared and dying. I said words to Keith that I wish I could take back and I said words to myself that I wish I could take back, too. I realize now that I’m just scared and I’m letting my brain run wild with its familiar ego patterns to bring me down and make me feel like crap.
But, here we are.
We’re just here. Completely imperfect, but doing the best we can.
There’s no guidebook for how to be or feel during a pandemic, no ‘right’ way to be at this time even though the world will have us feeling like we need to be reorganizing our pantries or creating our best work or doing yoga in our living room in pursuit of ‘maximizing’ our time at home.
Who gives a shit, really?
It’s scary how easy it is to forget that this moment is a miracle and that it’s okay to just BE right now. We don’t owe anything to anyone and no one gets to tell us how to feel or what to do.
And, it’s a win if we just manage to make it through yet another day, even if making through is messy as hell and we have a breakdown and let the fear win for a bit. It’s okay to release the being and doing and having for a bit. It’s okay to put even the bigger goals like being a writer or paying off debt on hold, maybe just for the day or the week or the month.
It’s okay.
Actually, it’s more than okay.
If you’re making it through the muck right now, I want to tell you that I’m proud of you. If you’re surviving another day of this insanity, you’re doing great. If you’re filling the hours somehow, whether through procrastibaking or several personal meltdowns, but still managing to get through a full day that will allow you to sleep off the pain and try again tomorrow, you are winning.
Like our beloved matriarch Kris, who praised and supported her daughter Kim as she was posing for Playboy Magazine said with the most sincere mother’s love:
You’re doing amazing, sweetie. You really, really are.
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